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Monday, July 20, 2009

I'll never think of the phrase "Head Of State" the same way again.

  There was a lot of commemorative inaugural merchandise all of this spring in celebration of our new president. I made the mistake of looking at some of it recently, and... well... The title says it all: Barack Obama Dildo Could Ruin Sex, Obama For You - The Sexist - Washington City Paper (

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posted by Arlene (Beth)10:00 PM

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Alternatively, security forces will invite you over for a spicy dinner

  Chili peppers have many wonderful applications. They are good as foods, as condiments, as pesticides for your tender garden plants, and as weapons.
BBC NEWS | South Asia | India plans hot chilli grenades (, 6/25/09) takes the weapons idea beyond pepper spray:
Indian defence scientists are planning to put one of the world's hottest chilli powders into hand grenades.
The article goes on to say that a chili called the "bhut jolokia," which I'd never before heard of, is extraordinarily hot, and ideal for this purpose.

The questions that come to mind:

(1) Why haven't I been cooking with this chili? It sounds like it is hot-unpleasant instead of hot-tasty, but surely it is good in SOME dish.

(2) Would it be possible to produce grenades with other spices? There are a few really bland restaurants in my neighborhood, and I think a ginger & garlic grenade could dramatically improve just about everything they do. A bay grenade would make my house smell WONDERFUL (in an oppressively fresh kind of way). A cinnamon grenade would...

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posted by Arlene (Beth)8:19 PM

Thursday, December 27, 2007


Protecting You from Scary Dairy.

I recently had to ship something to the Bahamas. In doing so, I had to deal with customs forms, and note the specific rules applying to packages destined for the Bahamas. Namely:

Obscene or indecent articles, books, pictures, printed matter.
Perishable infectious biological substances.
Perishable noninfectious biological substances.
Radioactive materials.
Skimmed milk in tins.
So it's porn, germs, radiation, tinned milk. Which of those things doesn't fit?

(So non-perishable infectious biological substances are okay?)


posted by Arlene (Beth)7:25 AM

Tuesday, December 25, 2007


Merry Christmas! Happy Saturnalia! Happy Merry Whatever!

Christmas tree with lights and villageI hope this day has been beautiful for you. Though I actually hope that for you every day.


The thing that has made me laugh out loud most often today: Milk Eggs Vodka: Grocery Lists Lost and Found by Bill Keaggy (, organizer of, a collection of... what you'd guess it is. It is hysterical. It really is. I know it's just grocery lists, but as a somewhat obsessive person with a mania for food who appreciates snide comments, it is grand.

Thing that did not make me laugh: my inability to digest solid food properly for the last four days. I have no idea what started it, but it's darned difficult to feast if you can't eat anything more solid than a banana. (Which, per the previously cited book, is one of the most misspelled shopping list words. Seriously. Popular: "Banna." Ach, du lieber Himmel...)

The joke that keeps coming up about my current situation, and those similarly situated: the line from The Devil Wears Prada, in which the senior assistant notes that she is one stomach flu away from her target/ideal weight. Ha ha ha. (It is funny. It is just not funny at this particular moment.)

Between the lack of successful digestion and its attendant complexities (which I bravely challenged yesterday by purchasing and eating more than half of a proper Mission District spicy vegan burrito, an act of bravado that was NOT rewarded 12 hours later), the resulting dizziness and headaches, and the cold I still haven't completely beaten (now in day 25)... It's been a unique holiday weekend. I hope to forget how I've felt for most of it and only remember the festive parts.


Yes, there is a comma shortage today. They'll be in stock again tomorrow. You'll live.


Xmas lessons heard from the in-laws:

(1) It is generally unwise to give your spouse anti-wrinkle cream as an Xmas gift.

(2) It is DEFINITELY unwise to give your spouse anti-cellulite cream as an Xmas gift. For several reasons. Which should not have to be explained to you. Unless you're having memory problems because your wife accidentally hit you with something very heavy (an anvil, a rotary telephone, the bread machine you bought her last year when she was on a low-carb diet), in which case I'll tell you now: (a) those creams don't work (duh), and (b) even if they did work (which they obviously do not, or you wouldn't even know what cellulite was, and certainly wouldn't be subject to viewings of it every single time you are in a high volume chain store of any type), it is not your place to provide products to treat the deficiencies you perceive with the texture of your wife's lower body. Work with me on this. The life you save may be your own.

I would like to thank my partner for being more outraged by hearing about these items than I was.

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posted by Arlene (Beth)9:30 PM

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